I want to change but I’m scared of change *OR* the REAL reason I’m starting a blog

I’ve spent a very long time fighting social media

and the internet whilst stubbornly defending the FACT that all of these platforms are at fault for the wide spread breakdown of face-to-face communication and the stark rise in depression and anxiety in young adults. I’ve not wanted to get ‘sucked in’, and I’ve ‘possibly’ been harbouring a secret ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude towards people that are obviously addicted to the number of likes, comments and followers they have.

giphy

UNTIL I REALISED A FEW THINGS (and these ideas have been around for a long time, so you will have heard them before, but I was so busy visibly shuddering at the mention of ‘blogging’ that I missed the point. Joke’s on me, could’ve had a bajillion followers by now)

I’m not happy with my life as it currently is – As your typical Millennial, I always imagined this glittery amazing life would somehow just materialise with very minimal active participation from yours truly. Looking back, that’s a really stupid viewpoint to have, but it’s one of an entire generation, so I don’t feel all that bad for only figuring it out now. At least I figured it out all by myself. Gold Star Participation Award for me. Damn I’m so special.

glitter

I HAVE A VOICE *but I’ve been too scared to use it* – I’ve always been that friend that sits her other friends down when they’re completely wasted and/or crying, waggles a finger in their face, and tells them how special and amazing they are. I’m also that friend that gets super riled up about certain topics and generally articulates them pretty well. BUT in front of people that aren’t in my super special girl group, I clam up. I have no voice. I just can’t string a sentence together.

*In storms the internet like a white knight for introverts everywhere*

I can write down what’s going on in my brain, and people can read it if they want to, and if not that’s cool, but I can say what I want to say and I won’t be interrupted because other people speak louder than I do/think they know more than I do about the subject/have been waiting for their turn to talk and they actually just really enjoy the particular cadence of their own voice when they think their opinion is worth more than yours.

voice

I ALSO HAVE AN INTERNAL VOICE *and it’s crazy* – but maybe not as crazy as I think it is if I write down all the weird things it tells me and people from all over the globe say “oh shit yeh mine does that too” there’s comfort in togetherness. Quick example: I couldn’t sleep last night because I was very excited about my new blog and all of the amazing things I can write about. Normal. BUT in the background my brain was also scrolling through Beyoncé Who Run The World and Mariah Carey All I Want For Christmas is You whilst a voice that definitely wasn’t mine would occasionally chime in with “Yeh Bitch, What. WHAT?!” ….yep.

jlawcrazy

I make out that I do lots of things *but really I binge watch Netflix and hate myself* – Alot of my friends know me as this super spiritual, Yoga/Meditation loving hippy lady, and I think of myself as that too. In reality though, that lady does not exist. She’s an ethereal presence trapped in the back of my brain, waiting to burst forth. In reality, I read a lot of incredible books that appeals to my brain hippy, but I never put any of it into practice. I spend the vast majority of my spare time lying down on the sofa, trying to silence the brain hippy telling me to ‘JUST GET UP AND DO THE THINGS!!’ and then I drive myself crazy with anxiety when I realise I’m going to be late for work and haven’t made any lunch to take with me *again*

newgirl

Really then, I am starting this blog in order to hold myself accountable for growing into this woman that I know is sitting there biding her time. I honestly do not care if this blog never reaches 3 followers. I’m just putting it out there on the internet. I hereby promise that I will use this platform to chronicle my own personal growth. For me. For myself. So that I have something digital and interactive to look back on and feel genuine pride in my actions for the first time in over a decade.

No pressure, Amy.

If any of you out there in that expanse behind my computer screen experienced even the tiniest quiver of recognition in that deep place in your soul that you know is actually right, speak up! Let me hear your voice! Let’s hold each other accountable. I’ll tell you my weird stories if you tell me yours…

lkawe

8 thoughts on “I want to change but I’m scared of change *OR* the REAL reason I’m starting a blog

  1. It’s important to let your voice be heard. Sometimes, someone out there in the world can identify with you and it helps them, or it helps you. Don’t be afraid…thank you so much for stopping by my little blog. I hope to read more from you soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh shit yeh mine does that too! =D I loved this post. Seriously…loved it! I like your personality and writing style. It’s very relatable for me. I laughed when I got to the picture of the guy throwing confetti bahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

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