I’ve done my research on narcissistic and emotional abuse. I started looking into it while we were still together, which should’ve been a HUUUUUGE red flag. A tip for all of you out there –
If you think you’re being subjected to verbal/emotional abuse enough to look it up on the internet at least once a week for MONTHS and sit there thinking “yep that sounds exactly like what’s going on”, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT ignore it and carry on like it’s not happening. Because it is happening. You’re not being crazy. Admit what’s going on to someone to someone you trust. Make a plan. Then get the fuck out.*
*(I’m thinking about writing more about my experiences with emotional abuse, comments welcome if you think this’d be helpful)
Anyway. I’ve come to learn that my very own personal brand of emotional abuse from my ex was in the form of “feel sorry for me, don’t have fun because I’m sad but I can have fun whenever I want and you can’t say anything about it because I’m sad” and it kept me stuck in a toxic relationship for years. Years that I will never get back.
Every time I stood my ground, I would be selfish. He would be miserable. I would apologise. I would spend the next few days wondering why I apologised when the conversation started with me being upset at something he was doing. Somehow those conversations always turned into him explaining how I was unstable and wasn’t putting enough into the relationship, and “can you see now why none of this is actually my fault, but your perception was wrong enough to make you think that I was doing something wrong but I actually wasn’t? It makes me so sad that you see me this way. Why are you crying? I can never be sad without you getting sad. I can never be angry without you getting angry. I can’t express my emotions without you making it all about you”
The worst part was watching my once busy social life grind to a staggering halt whilst his blossomed, and yet somehow he “had no friends” whenever I wanted to go anywhere until I decided to stay in with him.
I would fall for the same shit over and over again.
But not today.
I’ve wished you a happy birthday weekend out of politeness, and your response of “I already know I’m going to have an unpleasant birthday weekend” is being left on read. I’m not asking you why, I’m not giving you an ‘in’ to vomit your negativity all over me, to drain the happiness that I am trying my very best to cultivate. Nope. You can have an unpleasant birthday, or not. It’s your choice. It’s not hard to make the best of a situation. If you choose not to do that, that’s your problem. It’s not mine anymore.
So stick your Pity Party invite up your ass.