This is not the greatest thought process in the world, this is just a tribute.

Tonight I feel alive.

For the first time in such a very long time

I walk through this City’s streets with my head held high

Like I can see it again as I did for the first time

Thinking maybe this time I can actually thrive

With no fear as I walk past two white guys fighting

and for a second they stop and I can feel their eyes like knives, prying

Even though I walk past doorways where in the past I’ve sat crying

Somehow it all still feels vibrant

 

I no longer wear your hand-made rose-tinted glasses

I’m finally free to settle back in amongst the masses

Instead of being stuck home alone,

Lonely

While you’re sat next to me staring at your phone

And later I’d dutifully lie on my back and moan

Though for those final months there was always something a little ‘off’ about the tone.

 

Tonight I feel alive

For the first time in a very long time

My mind on fire as I race to get home

Because fuck me the one time I’ve actually left without my phone

 

And I have no pen to write down the lines

That are spilling forth from my tortured yet newly-inspired mind

As hard to retain as sand

And yet here I stand

for the first time in a very long time, rhyming

Fingers dancing across the keyboard, typing

Trying to remember how it went the first time, unbridled

How do you capture inspiration when for the longest time it’s been silenced?

 

Messy and raw, it’s never going to sound as good on paper as it did when it was just a thought.

 

This is not the greatest thought process in the world, this is just a tribute.

 

I’m RSVP-ing a big fat ‘NO’ to your pity party.

I’ve done my research on narcissistic and emotional abuse. I started looking into it while we were still together, which should’ve been a HUUUUUGE red flag. A tip for all of you out there –

If you think you’re being subjected to verbal/emotional abuse enough to look it up on the internet at least once a week for MONTHS and sit there thinking “yep that sounds exactly like what’s going on”, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT ignore it and carry on like it’s not happening. Because it is happening. You’re not being crazy. Admit what’s going on to someone to someone you trust. Make a plan. Then get the fuck out.*

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Birthdays. 

I have the itchiest feet

For brand new streets

New faces

Strange places.
New things I long to try

But how, when I’m so tied

To a life that doesn’t feel like mine

In a place on borrowed time.

I should’ve left

When I knew it was best

Packed up like the rest

So scared of life’s tests

While others were right
I am left, bereft.

And yet.

A seed. A well protected yearning

That grows stronger

With each year

Each number.

Another chance to make a change.

Another chance to age

With pride in choices that are mine.

I’ll just give it more time

Marinate in this hopeful skin crawling yearning

Until there’s nothing left to do but move

Fumigate my entire being

And emerge anew.

Risen. Cleansed. Raw and ready.

To meet myself face to face
And she’ll say

“Finally.”

2017 Wishlist

2017wishlist

As 2016 was drawing to a close, I looked back and confirmed the sneaking suspicion that I’ve had for, well, most of my life: I am NOT very good at managing my life.

Instead of just getting depressed and hiding (my usual go-to remedy when these suspicions arise) I decided that a proactive approach would be better. So I decided to write a list. This wouldn’t be your typical New Year’s Resolutions list filled with desperation-soaked, pressure-riddled, vaguely-worded rules screaming “I MUST SOMEHOW BE BETTER OR ELSE!” which would inevitably buckle under its own immense pressure in the first week or two. No! This would be a flowing list of wishes, nudges, manageable morsels of goals that I think would help me to live this year and future years in a much ‘wealthier’ way.  I’m now ready and looking to cultivate a ‘wealthier’ life – so I’ve split my list into three sections: Mental Wealth, Physical Wealth and Life Wealth…. Continue reading